When the subject of host comes up in grifball discussion you can pretty much bet that everyone either fears it, claims they don’t need it or simply pretends they don’t care about it. You can bet though that nearly everyone wishes they could pull host consistently. Why? Because if you know how to use it well, you become nearly invincible. Even if you don’t know how use it well, having host on your team means the other team doesn’t have it.

Here’s the problem though. You never seem to pull host…ever. Your connection is so bad that people with dial-up point at your limp modem and snicker. Fortunately Adam Pisani has a solution to your problem. No longer will you need to feel inadequate about the size of your host. Follow the ten steps below and Adam will personally guarantee that you’ll become a host monster, just like that scary purple dinosaur named Zeg.

You should keep one thing in mind though before continuing on the path to becoming a host puller. You’re going to become very popular. Everyone will envy you because of your giant host and in fact some will love you only because of your host. If you’re okay with that, by all means, continue reading.

The Ten Steps to Becoming a Host Puller

• Step 1: Profit. I know this usually comes last, but you’ll need a lot of profit to pay for steps 2 through 10.
• Step 2: Get a digging permit from the city, and locate the nearest internet hub. I’m not quite sure how you’d do that, but calling a local ISP and asking where their local lines connect to would be a start.
• Step 3: Find a construction crew to dig a trench from your house to the main hub, or perhaps hire a crew to run above ground lines to the hub.
• Step 4: After looking into exactly what type of cable you need to connect to the internet hub, buy a LOT of it, and pay someone to run it from the hub to your house.
• Step 5: Hire a second crew to fill in the trench, then re-pave all the roads, re-plant the trees, etc, etc. The city tends to get angry when you leave a big hole in it.
• Step 6: Look into how to get such a direct line connected to a single router, your own. I don’t know how this works, but I’m assuming it’ll cost you money, and lots of it.
• Step 7: Set up an account and fill it with a ton of money. Then, pay whoever provides bandwidth or owns the main hub, or lines, or whatever, with that money, automatically, for the bandwidth you’ll use.
• Step 8: Buy 5 extra Xbox’s, and connect them to your router, or more likely series of routers that are connected to your new direct line. Might even want to get extras as backups (RRoD sucks).
• Step 9: Quit your job and spend your days being the neutral, ultimate host for Grifball games across North America. Retire a happy, but inevitably poor man that rarely leaves the comfort of his house and personal, ISP-like direct internet access line.
• Step 10: Die. Funerals cost something like 6 grand nowadays, so you’ll want to put away some of that Step 1 money for that, accounting for inflation and the ever rising cost of headstones.